Anonymous said: My girlfriend and I just moved to Los Angeles and miss seeing you every friday at the Pill - do you or any of your other Pill-regular friends (like whats his name, "no funky moose"?) ever tour this far west? Hope all is well!

"No funky moose" is Andrew Mayer, he’s great, ( http://mayercomedy.com/ ) I think he goes to L.A. every once in a while. Depending on when you came to the show, there may be a lot of people from it who live in L.A. now, people like Zach Sherwin ( http://zachsherwin.com/videos/ ) Ahmed Bharoocha ( http://youtu.be/wBhX9IFWVcw ) Tim Vargulish ( http://youtu.be/LSgDOUHEKl8 ) and Laura Crawford ( http://youtu.be/jkm3hU5xME0 ) 

Check these folks out, they’re all in L.A. now and all great! I’m sure I’m missing a ton more too.

Anonymous said: Hi, My Name is Patrick, I'm 26 new in the comedy scene, I have been making friends and family laugh for years and they all tell me that i should do stand up. When i was younger i thought about doing it and did for my talent show once. Went well, I guess my question to you is How should i go about getting my name out there?

Hey Patrick, just get on stage! Go to open mics, if you’re in the New England area www.unscenecomedy.com has a great list of open mics, if you’re not, check out www.badslava.com for national listings. My mic is every Tuesday at The Middle East in Central Square, Cambridge, MA. You can get details for that in the events section of www.facebook.com/andersoncomedy

Rob

SERIOUSLY! YOU DUM DUMS, STOP REFRIGERATING THESE FOODS! FOR REAL! STOP BEING SUCH GOOF-NERDS!
Look, we all agree, refrigeration is the figurative, but not literal, bomb. It’s great how it keeps stuff cool, and if you turn up the knobs, cold. Refrigeration has been around for over 30 years, and so we’ve gotten pretty comfortable with it. But, could it be TOO comfortable? No, that’s impossible, but we are probably putting to much stuff in there.  Seriously, so much of this is just common sense.
1. CANNED BEANS
Hey, I love canned beans, we all do, I sometimes wish I could eat them straight out of the can, maybe over a flame, maybe made of tires. You know, like a hobo. Unfortunately, my fine breeding prohibits it. Still, there’s a big difference between a bindle on the shoulder of a bum being chased by a railroad bull and the quiet cool of a Frigidaire crisper. Seriously, stop keeping these canned beans in the refrigerator.
2. BAKING SODA
It seems like every time I’m sneaking around one of my pal’s fridges, I see the same thing. Chilled baking soda, and WHY? It’s completely unnecessary. Did you know what we call “baking soda” is actually nothing more that simple sodium hydrogen carbonate? Bet you feel pretty silly about refrigerating it now, don’t you? In fact, not only is it not necessary for you to refrigerate baking soda, but recent studies show it may even cause otherwise perfectly good baking soda to take on the smells and even flavors of other foods in the fridge. Seriously, get that NaHCO3 out of the refrigerator!
3. EMPTY TENNIS BALL CANS
I honestly can’t even decide where to begin with this one. This is crazy. First of all, this is in no way a food, I can’t imagine how you’d get that impression, it’s not only not a food, but not even a product, it’s packaging, and I mean, not like a full pizza box with one slice left in it, but literally JUST THE PACKAGING! This makes absolutely no sense!  Sometimes people compare tennis ball cans with Pringles cans. I mean, is that what you’re aiming for here? It’s not clear, and either way, none of it makes any sense. First of all, if this is a Pringles allusion, make it clearer, second of all, even if it is, these are still empty cans, and finally even if it was actually Pringles cans with actual Pringles inside them, these still would not need to be refrigerated. This is maybe the worst one on this list, I mean, seriously, stop it. Stop putting empty tennis ball cans in your refrigerator. 
4. MOTH BALLS
This is a really important one, because moth balls kind of look like food, but definitely are not. they can actually make your pretty sick, but it’s worth it be a Sigma Alpha Epsilon. GO SIG ALF EP!
5. Hypercolor T-Shirts
First of all, how do you even still have one of these? I mean they were everywhere for, like, a minute, and then gone. Where did you even get this? Have you had it since the early 90s? Anyhow, the point is, Hypercolor changes color based on temperature, but the low temp is basically just room temperature, so there’s no need to refrigerate this. This is still not a food, but it actually makes the most sense of any of these, still though, stop refrigerating your Hypercolor shirts. 

SERIOUSLY! YOU DUM DUMS, STOP REFRIGERATING THESE FOODS! FOR REAL! STOP BEING SUCH GOOF-NERDS!

Look, we all agree, refrigeration is the figurative, but not literal, bomb. It’s great how it keeps stuff cool, and if you turn up the knobs, cold. Refrigeration has been around for over 30 years, and so we’ve gotten pretty comfortable with it. But, could it be TOO comfortable? No, that’s impossible, but we are probably putting to much stuff in there.  Seriously, so much of this is just common sense.

1. CANNED BEANS

Hey, I love canned beans, we all do, I sometimes wish I could eat them straight out of the can, maybe over a flame, maybe made of tires. You know, like a hobo. Unfortunately, my fine breeding prohibits it. Still, there’s a big difference between a bindle on the shoulder of a bum being chased by a railroad bull and the quiet cool of a Frigidaire crisper. Seriously, stop keeping these canned beans in the refrigerator.

2. BAKING SODA

It seems like every time I’m sneaking around one of my pal’s fridges, I see the same thing. Chilled baking soda, and WHY? It’s completely unnecessary. Did you know what we call “baking soda” is actually nothing more that simple sodium hydrogen carbonate? Bet you feel pretty silly about refrigerating it now, don’t you? In fact, not only is it not necessary for you to refrigerate baking soda, but recent studies show it may even cause otherwise perfectly good baking soda to take on the smells and even flavors of other foods in the fridge. Seriously, get that NaHCO3 out of the refrigerator!

3. EMPTY TENNIS BALL CANS

I honestly can’t even decide where to begin with this one. This is crazy. First of all, this is in no way a food, I can’t imagine how you’d get that impression, it’s not only not a food, but not even a product, it’s packaging, and I mean, not like a full pizza box with one slice left in it, but literally JUST THE PACKAGING! This makes absolutely no sense!  Sometimes people compare tennis ball cans with Pringles cans. I mean, is that what you’re aiming for here? It’s not clear, and either way, none of it makes any sense. First of all, if this is a Pringles allusion, make it clearer, second of all, even if it is, these are still empty cans, and finally even if it was actually Pringles cans with actual Pringles inside them, these still would not need to be refrigerated. This is maybe the worst one on this list, I mean, seriously, stop it. Stop putting empty tennis ball cans in your refrigerator. 

4. MOTH BALLS

This is a really important one, because moth balls kind of look like food, but definitely are not. they can actually make your pretty sick, but it’s worth it be a Sigma Alpha Epsilon. GO SIG ALF EP!

5. Hypercolor T-Shirts

First of all, how do you even still have one of these? I mean they were everywhere for, like, a minute, and then gone. Where did you even get this? Have you had it since the early 90s? Anyhow, the point is, Hypercolor changes color based on temperature, but the low temp is basically just room temperature, so there’s no need to refrigerate this. This is still not a food, but it actually makes the most sense of any of these, still though, stop refrigerating your Hypercolor shirts. 

Hey folks, I’m in a commercial. Who’s the commercial for? Who but W.B. Mason?

(Source: preyhound)

Anonymous said: Allergies. Conspiracy from the weather channel or punishment from God?

There are a lot of theories on where allergies come from, but most hinge upon the generally accepted idea that allergies are God’s punishment to nerds. 

For years scientist believed that God created allergies in retaliation to a nerd who kept referring to basketball as “barsketball” and when corrected claiming that he couldn’t hear the difference, but modern science tends to the view that it’s more complicated that that.

Some extreme scientist believe that, when it comes to allergies to pollen, that this is just a side effect of most nerds, to some degree, being allergic to sex, as pollen is basically plant sperm.

As far as the idea of it being a conspiracy goes, there is no evidence that allergies the weather channel is behind it. However they are behind many other conspiracies, including, but not limited to the fact that you never seem to hear about acid rain anymore. 

Anonymous said: do you itch your bum?

We’re all humans.

Anonymous said: If you never grew another inch, would you be satisfied with your present height?

Oof. No.

Preyhound Scenes 1-6

preyhound:

PreyHound scene one (written by Rob Crean)

SCENE: late night, a greyhound race track. We see people in the ticket booths and concession stands cleaning up for the night. We see the track, the automatic sprinklers go on, and the “rabbit” goes in reverse to the beginning of the course. We see the…

Anonymous said: Who's pickle is who's?

A more important question is which pickle are you? 

Are you a Bread and Butter pickle?

Bread and Butters are sensitive but indecisive. Real horndogs, but lack the panache to seal the deal.

Are you a Polish pickle?

Strong and reserved, but volatile and unpredictable, Polishes are equally comfortable heading up a PTA meeting as they are eating a comically oversized sandwich.

Are you a Gherkin?

Gherkin’s are old souls, wise investors and sloppy eaters. A Gherkin will look into your eyes and you’ll feel your soul getting all soapy. Don’t cross a Gherk though, for they never forget a betrayal or a PIN number. 

Are you a Cornichon?

Cornichon’s are small in stature, but mighty in wisdom. Good listeners who enjoy card games and salad greens. A cornichon is the president of keeping it real and the ambassador of gas stations. Please a cornichorn and you may just find yourself pleased.

Are you a Kosher Dill

K.D.s are natural born leaders, inspirational to behold and dangerous to cross. A loyal friend or a bitter enemy, a Kosher Dill is as wise as Soloman and as strong as Shaq. K-Dills don’t take guff, wooden nickels or poor excuses.