horseymouf:

Audio for our audition show! Rob and Lillian share their plans for late night televison.

Lillian and I turned down the job as co-hosts of The Tonight Show so we could keep doing our Horse’s Mouth show at middlesex, so come out and see us tonight. 

What I did at work today.

My New FB Friend: Linder St Andrade a.k.a. LinderPride

  • Conversation started today
  • Linder St Andrade
    hello my dear how are you today
  • Today
  • Linder St Andrade
    can we chat for a while now
  • Rob Crean
    5:53pm
    WHAAAAZZZZZUUUUPPPP!
    Remember? Ha, that commercial was so funny.
  • Linder St Andrade
    how was your day
  • Rob Crean
    5:53pm
    Sorry I couldn’t talk before, it was four or five in the morning, so I was probably asleep.
  • Rob Crean
    It’s been good so far. I drank a lot of coffee, how about you?
    How much is the most coffee you ever drank in one day?
  • Linder St Andrade
    i am linderpride working as nurse what your job
  • Rob Crean
    I drank, I think, like ten large coffees one day I was like “WUZZA WUZZA WUZZA!” it was crazy! 
    I do a bit of this, a bit of that. What kind of nurse are you?
  • Linder St Andrade
    attach to unicef
  • Rob Crean
    Cool, like humanitarian type stuff.
  • Linder St Andrade
    5:57pm
    but you did not tell me your job
  • Rob Crean
    I do all sorts of crazy stuff. One time I got paid to pretend I liked bad coffee. It was weird. Some times I pretend to be a baby, other times I pretend I’m from the past. You know, that sort of stuff.
  • Linder St Andrade
    5:59pm
    are you married
  • Rob Crean
    No, but I’ve got a girlfriend. She’s really pretty.
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:00pm
    i really wanna know you more and be close to you
  • Rob Crean
    6:00pm
    You and me too, sister! I’m so distant, it’s weird!
  • Linder St Andrade
    i want to know those simple things that are important to you
  • Rob Crean
    6:03pm
    Cash! You know what I mean? Cash Rules Everything And Nothing!
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:05pm
    what are your favorite color?
  • Rob Crean
    6:08pm
    Eh, they’re all the same really. How about you?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:09pm
    i love blue, black and white
    what are your hobbies?
  • Rob Crean
    6:09pm
    Wait a minute. Do black and white count when you’re talking favorite colors, seems kind of cheap to me.
    My hobbies? I love recycling beer bottles. I’ve got a whole system. Also, I love watching this video, tell me what you think! http://youtu.be/O93xBZJwBqk
    Watch it! You’re going to love it!
    Do you love it?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:11pm
    reading books, listen to music
  • Rob Crean
    6:11pm
    It’s so good, I watch it all the time!
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:12pm
    what is your religion? christain
  • Rob Crean
    6:12pm
    If you love music, you must love that clip I showed you. Do you love it? My religion’s kind of complicated. What’s yours?
  • Linder St Andrade
    you look nice on your profile photo
  • Rob Crean
    6:13pm
    Did you watch the video? 
  • Rob Crean
    I have a huge beard now, so I look different.
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:14pm
    so dear, can we know more about our selfs now,
  • Rob Crean
    6:15pm
    Oh man, there’s a question! I know, right?
    did you watch that video?
    Here’s the link again.
  • The Exes - Season 2 Theme Song
    www.youtube.com
    "The Exes" Season 2 Theme Song (2012) TV Land Vocals Performed By: Chrys Ryan Written By: Jeff Cohen, Jill M. R. Gale and Mike Shimshack Music Produced & Eng…
  • Rob Crean
    6:16pm
    It’s the theme tong to this show “The Exes”. It’s got Newman from Seinfeld and Donald Faison from Scrubs. I’ve never seen the show, but i love the theme song.
  • Linder St Andrade
    i am linder pride looking for that caring man that will love me and i will love him back
  • Rob Crean
    6:16pm
    Try watching it once. Love it. Take it in. Watch it again, but this time just watch Newman. Watch again and just watch Donald Faison. It’s like a gift that keeps on giving, I’m serious! 
    You just gotta get out there. You should try taking a spin class!
    But seriously, some of Wayne Knight’s (aka Newman) facial expressions are so funny. Did you watch it yet? Do you love it?
  • Rob Crean
    6:18pm
    IT’S SO GOOD, RIGHT? What’s your favorite part?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:18pm
    dear, please can we be more a friend?
  • Rob Crean
    Oh man, the part where Newman is walking on the letters. It’s so good! What’s your favorite part?
  • Rob Crean
    I think that Newman walking on the letters part is my favorite, but I also like when Donald Fiason jumps at the beginning, when the lady from 3rd Rock blows the “roof” over their head, and the part where the other guy leans his elbow on Newman’s shoulder.
    You know what I think the shrug is actually my favorite part though. It’s so funny.
  • Linder St Andrade
    i ask you a question you never mine
  • Rob Crean
    6:22pm
    It’s like, “what you gonna do” and the shrug, like right on schedule. It’s so good.
  • Linder St Andrade
    dear, please can we be more a friend?
  • Rob Crean
    6:24pm
    Oh, I thought that was rhetorical. Like, “why can’t a man stand on his own?” Can we be more a friend? It’s nice it sounds like a song lyric.
  • Linder St Andrade
    please let see where this lead us to, what do you think about that?
  • Rob Crean
    6:26pm
    But how’s this for a song lyric, “She’s where we turn when our hearts are broken, where we turn when we finally learn, we’ve lost the battle of the sexes.” Pretty deep, right. “Just call us the exes.”
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:26pm
    so dear tell me, how long have you been using facebook now? have you dated any woman online before?
  • Rob Crean
    6:27pm
    I don’t really know how long I’ve been on facebook. A few years I guess. I met some girls on okcupid when I was single for a month. I ended up buying a car from one of these girls, can you believe it?
    It worked out great.
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:28pm
    you have all that make a perfect husband
  • Rob Crean
    Yeah, my girlfriend says the same thing. I’m kind of a catch!
  • Linder St Andrade
    l understand we still have to know more about ourselfs, but am carry away, am really sorry dear okay
  • Rob Crean
    6:30pm
    Three strangers. What we gonna do?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:31pm
    so dear can i have your email address, so that i can send you mail anytime im not online okay here is my linderpride@hotmail.com
  • Rob Crean
    6:32pm
    I don’t have an email address. My cousin is a cop, and he said that the government keeps track of how much fried food you eat using email, and then they can deny you health insurance. Have you heard that?
  • Linder St Andrade
    you can create one for your self now
  • Rob Crean
    Really? My cousin acted like it was really common knowledge, and I was like, “I don’t know.” Also, I don’t have any bitcoin.
  • Linder St Andrade
    cos i done come onlne i use my email every day ok
  • Rob Crean
    6:34pm
    Right, but do you have health insurance? Do you eat a lot of fried food? These are questions we should all be asking ourselves!
  • Rob Crean
    6:34pm
    To the health insurance, the fried food, or just that those are good questions?
  • Rob Crean
    6:35pm
    All three?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:35pm
    hope you csn create one for your self now
  • Rob Crean
    6:35pm
    Three strangers, what we gonna do?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:35pm
    cos i will soon live
  • Rob Crean
    6:36pm
    WHAT?!?!
  • Linder St Andrade
    that is why i ineed your email
    so ican mail you
  • Rob Crean
    6:36pm
    OH! Right, like the singularity?
    So, how does that work?
    Do you give up your physical body completely?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:37pm
    create a hotmail account now
  • Rob Crean
    6:37pm
    Or is it like the matrix, where you still have a body, but your brain is hooked straight into the internet?
    I don’t know, my cousin had some pretty convincing arguments.
    He said that if you try to rent a car, legally, the car rental place can look at all your emails. Have you heard that?
  • Linder St Andrade
    6:38pm
    gonna go now when you are ready you can email me
    linderpride@hotmail.com
  • Rob Crean
    6:40pm
    I heard also, that if you use email too much, you can get eczema. Wait, that might just be yahoo mail. Have you heard that?
  • Rob Crean
    6:41pm
    You should really look into that email stuff. You might be putting yourself at risk!
    I heard a story about a guy who signed up for email and then he ended up in a French prison for like 40 years. It was crazy. They made a movie about it, I think it’s called “Marmaduke.”
Gary and I made some videos to promote his headlining show at The Gas tonight.  Here they are,
http://youtu.be/UngKBFhf9l8
http://youtu.be/L6nESwz3qLg
http://youtu.be/EdnO3tv04Ok

Gary and I made some videos to promote his headlining show at The Gas tonight.  Here they are,

http://youtu.be/UngKBFhf9l8

http://youtu.be/L6nESwz3qLg

http://youtu.be/EdnO3tv04Ok

Tuesday at #mideastcorn we all came up with what @garyjpetersen ‘s head shot looks like.  Here are some of my favorites. Come see him at @greatscottROCK this Friday! 



Katie McCarthy ‏@guiltyfeet  
.@garyjpetersen looks like the actor in the Mr. Magoo porn #mideastcon








Anthony Scibelli ‏@AnthonyScibelli  
 ”Mr My-Goo”
Chukwunonyerem ‏@ThatNonye  
@garyjpetersen looks like Dr. Evil covered in lube #mideastcorn



John Tullar ‏@JOHNTULLAR  
#mideastcorn Gary Petersen looks like a guy who bumps a lot of comedians. (read this one first)
Katie McCarthy ‏@guiltyfeet  
.@garyjpetersen looks like @Pontifex's social media liaison #mideastcorn #holy

Magic Johnson ‏@MikeNotReally  
Gary Peterson looks like what I think the villain of the goonies looks like. #mideastcorn
Katie McCarthy ‏@guiltyfeet 
.@garyjpetersen looks like an albino libertarian in his pic @ #mideastcorn
Katie McCarthy ‏@guiltyfeet  



.@garyjpetersen looks like a Cabbage Patch Doll who just went thru chemo in his pic @ #mideastcorn. U ok? Lemme kno if u cancer advice bb
Magic Johnson ‏@MikeNotReally 
Gary Peterson looks like a priest that steals your wifi password. #mideastcorn

Tuesday at #mideastcorn we all came up with what @garyjpetersen ‘s head shot looks like.  Here are some of my favorites. Come see him at @greatscottROCK this Friday! 

  1. . looks like the actor in the Mr. Magoo porn

  2.  ”Mr My-Goo”

    looks like Dr. Evil covered in lube

LAUGH AT: AN IDIOT'S GUIDE TO THE OSCARS

Here’s a video Nick Palm and I made a few years back about the then upcoming Oscars.  It was released onto the internet two weeks after the ceremony. 

"Do You Right" an erotic tribute to 311

This Saturday I was on the Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction show (and Nerdist Network podcast, http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/competitive-erotic-fan-fiction/ ) and I read this sexy story about Omaha ska/funk/punk/hip hoppers 311.  Feel free to read it, or subscribe to the podcast and listen to me read in when it comes out.

Look, I’m just a normal girl. There’s nothing too interesting about me. I go to the mall, I think pandas are the cutest animal and I love pancakes. Nothing too exciting, right? That’s what everyone at my high school thinks, but they don’t realize, I have a secret.
It all started with my friend Julie. We’d been bffs since like second grade but as high school started, we began to drift apart. We still loved each other but our lives had just gotten really different. I had buckled down on my school work. I knew I had to if I wanted to get into my dream school, Bowdoin College. Julie had gone in the opposite direction, she’s gotten wild! It seemed like she was in a competition with herself to see how many boys she could give hand jobs to and in how many locations. It started simple like the movie theater during you got served 3D, or in Adam Denadio’s Accura, but soon she was rubbing privates in the photo lab, the computer lab, and according to her admittedly unreliable lab partner Missy O’Brien, in the lab!
I never asked Julie if any of this was true. I couldn’t imagine bringing it up! Even though we didn’t hang out that much anymore, we still talked on the phone almost every night. Sometimes Julie would share some small details of her debaucherous life and I would act shocked and truth be told, I would be shocked! Even though I’d usually already heard details of her getting fingered in various places (once allegedly in the vagina!) it was still weird to hear it from her.
I’d started to wonder what was going to happen when we graduated at the end of the year. Would we still be able to maintain our friendship or would we drift apart forever? That all changes the day before my birthday and two weeks before spring break when Julie showed up at my house with the greatest birthday present I could have imagined. It was tickets for the two of us for the 3-11 cruise!
3-11 was our favorite band and, as we’d drifted apart these last few years, the one remaining anchor of out friendship .
"I can’t believe it!" I said. Julie looked at me and said, "the best part is, that big boat is going to be filled to the brim with boys, and it’s about time you start got some face time with boys, and by that I mean face sucking!" I could feel my cheeks start to burn and my expression must have turned from one of elation to one of horror, because Julie quickly said, "oh relax, you’re going to Bowdoin in less than a year! You really want to go to the biggest party school in southern Maine without ever even having kissed a boy ?"
Two weeks later we were making our way onto the ship . We were surrounded by other fans or as we call ourselves 3-11 truthers.
Later as we played shuffle board on the deck Julie handed me a colorful drink and with the first sip I realized it had alcohol in it! “Julie! We’re under age!” “Shhh! She said, I figured out, that guys with braided goatees are totally cool buying booze for underage girls!”

Two hours later I was alone. After several daiquiris I’d wandered off and both of my contact lenses had fallen out and into the ocean. As I tried to make my way to my room I got increasingly confused by the maze of hallways in the hull of the majestic ship. I stepped backwards and fell through a door. The door slammed shut as I slipped into inky darkness. All was dark and silent until- “Hello?” I jumped with fright, “who-who’s there?” I stammered. I heard a sound of a kitchen match dragging against the striking pad, the match illuminated a face, and even without my contacts, I recognized the face immediately! “Count SA!” I acclaimed, for it was the unmistakable face of 311 vocalist/turntablist Doug “SA” Martinez, next to him stood a towering creature, bassist Aaron “P-Nut” Willis. “What are you doing here?” I paused, “and where are we?” “We’re in the engine room, it’s where Nick makes us stay when we’re not performing.” He said, referring to 311’s leader, the legendary strict Nick Hexum. “Can’t you leave?” “Nope,” SA explained, doors locked from the outside, “AWSSRRRHHH!” Said P-nut. “Calm down, Peeny, that’s no way to talk in front of a lady.” said SA “AWRRRRHHH!” Added the bassist. “That’s more like it,” SA turned his gaze from the P-Nut back to me, “well might as well do something to pass the time. I have an idea, how about making love?” My shock quickly turned to arousal, “ARRRHHHWWW!” Cried the monstrous bass player, “Get in here ya big hairy oaf, I don’t care what you smell” said the count.

Between the large throbbing finger tips of the freakish bass man and the cut honed hands of the tiny DJ my crotch was soon frothy. The duo rubbed up and down on my boobs like they were simultaneously scratching out a hype sample and playing a walking blues line up and down my nipples and cleavage. “AAAAARRHHHHWWW!” Said, p-nut.
By this point things were really heating up, both SA and P-Nut had their shirts off and I was touching the abs of both. “Blow on our chests,” said SA, and I was happy to oblige. Things were getting so hot and sexy now. I’ll bet they both had big floppy boners!
Just then the door to the engine room burst open. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the change of light and realize that the shadowy silhouette was none other the 311 singer/guitarist Nick Hexum. “What kind of mischief have you to gotten all mixed up in?” he spoke in his trademark slinky Omaha drawl. “We were just about to make love.”

“Come on, SA,” said the classically handsome front man, “you know I get first refusal when it comes to making love with Three Hundred Eleven fan.” “But boss,” protested the balding wheels of steeler, “We’re all members of Three Hundred Eleven, and plus, don’t you think it should really be her choice?” All eyes turned to me, I looked into the cocky face of the formerly bleached blond Hexum and then back to the sad lonely eyes of the boyish MC and his beast, I finally spoke “SA, P-Nut, you guys are are amazing, but this is my first time and I want it to be special.”

“You heard her, now get to the furnace and yank on your grassroots until your homebrew shoots into the flames.” shouted Nick, victoriously.

“Aw, Ritz Crackers!” said SAt, “AAAHHRRRWWW!” echoed his monster.

Nick took me into his arms and dipped me like in a waltz or something and then started licking all over my neck and mouth. He took my bra off and exclaimed, “Your breasts are much bigger than they look with a shirt on, much bigger than everyone at school must think!”

I ran my fingers down his rock hard abs and undid his belt buckle. I noticed that it was a large picture of Bob Marley, so cool! He was wearing boxer briefs and he looked just like the a model in a american eagle ad!. I reached inside and pulled his universal pulse from chaos. My breath was hot on his meatiness and he shouted “keep my head in the clouds” as I skillfully manipulated his manhood. As our passions increased we seemed to meld together and float above that engine room, and above the ship and into the sky. “How do you feel?” he whispered, “It’s time to do you right.” 311’s own cover of The Cure’s “Love Song” played on the soundsystem, “Amber is the color of your energy,” he whispered, and then he began to shutter as I felt him cum original inside me.

Later as I recounted my adventure to Julie she was in awe, “I just can’t believe it,” she said! “You’ll be all set for Bowdoin next year, and to think, who would have thought YOU’D lose your virginity before ME!”

Anonymous asked: Hey Rob, Regarding an open mic spot for 3/4/14 at the Middle East, can you tell me if you have reserved a spot and what time it is for? Thanks, Adam

I don’t have to reserve a spot, I’m the host! If you want a spot though, email me at rob.crean@gmail.com and I’ll add you to the list.  Any other information you might need can be found in the events section of www.facebook.com/andersoncomedy See you Tuesday. 

Anonymous asked: Rob...how can I contact you? From an anonymous comic that is not on Facebook and doesn't own a cell phone (did that narrow it down for ya?).

You can email me at rob.crean@gmail.com 

JFK Assassination: Case Closed

horseymouf: This is the slideshow that goes along with our talking parts!