horseymouf:

Rob and Lillian discuss and ultimately solve the JFK assassination on the eve of the 50th anniversary. Recorded at middlesex lounge on November 4th, 2013. 

Me and Big Dr. Lilz solve the crime of the century! (Last century.)

Plus it should really be called ‘double-V” Just look at the darn thing!

Plus it should really be called ‘double-V” Just look at the darn thing!

(Source: reddit.com, via ilovecharts)

A dumb old sketch.

Here’s a dumb sketch that I started writing back in my Anderson Comedy sketch days.  Someone else should write an ending. I’m not going to do it. 

A PARTY A MAN IS HITTING ON A LADY, THE WHOLE TIME A SECOND MAN IS LOOKING AT THEM.

DON
So yeah,  I write all of our lyrics.  They’re very unique lyrics.  They’re a lot more abstract then most bands.  I focus on childhood a lot.

SAMANTHA
Really, like what kind of stuff.

DON
Oh, just like anything from childhood, because, if you think about it, it’s like, that’s when you really start to be a person, you know?

SAMANTHA

Yeah, totally.  Do you write about like cartoons and stuff

DON
Yeah, and like toys and breakfast cereal commercials.  But also innocence, and a sense of play.  I feel like the world needs more of that.

SAMANTHA
I totally agree.

SECOND MAN APPROACHES THEM AND INTURUPTS.

PHIL
Hey, excuse me, do I know you?

DON
Ah, no I don’t think so.

PHIL
You look….familiar.

DON
I don’t know, I don’t think we’ve met before.

PHIL
You know what, maybe you just look like someone I know.

DON

Maybe.

PHIL
I feel like maybe you look like someone I met and didn’t like.

DON

Okay.

PHIL

Or maybe you just look like someone I wouldn’t like.

DON
….

PHIL 

It’s just something about your face.   (to SAMANTHA)  Don’t you think so? 

SAMANTHA

Um, I don’t know…maybe a little

PHIL 

(to DON) you must get that all the time.   I mean,  what is it.. the eyes?   I don’t know I just feel like I need to punch you.   Like, I look at your face and it’s like “hmmm, I know I’ve forgotten something…oh yeah, I forgot to punch that guy’s face” y’know? 

DON

Are you trying to start a fight with me?  

PHIL

No nonono.  It’s just you look so familiar.   Don’t you get that feeling looking at me?  Like, maybe there’s something that you just  RRRRRR  (makes growly face) RRRRR!  

DON

No.

PHIL

Oh c’mon, not even a little?   Hold on, (changes his face to profile) how bout now?   (models his face in different ways) any of these ringing a bell?

SAMANTHA

That last one looks familiar to me.  

PHIL

We’ve never met. 

DON

Neither have we.  

PHIL

You’re sure about that?   

DON

Yes.

PHIL

Cuz you didn’t sound sure earlier.   Dig a little deeper.   Wait, I used to wear glasses.   Hold on!


PHIL runs off.

SAMANTHA 

You were saying about a child’s sense of play?

DON

Oh yeah, it’s awkward I don’t usually talk about it in person but I did a series of twitter posts about it.   I’ll text you the links if you’re interested.  

SAMANTHA

Oh, yeah I’d be into that.   I’ve been trying to find more smart people to follow. 

PHIL

 (returns wearing borrowed glasses)  Ta DAAA!   (feints in and ducks back)  is this the face you want to punch?   

DON

No, look, I’ve never seen you before.   

PHIL

Maybe you were drunk.   Maybe we were both drunk.   

SAMANTHA
maybe I was drunk

PHIL

You weren’t there. 

DON

She wasn’t where?

PHIL

(claps hands) Karl’s party!  That’s it.  I bet we met at Karl’s party.  Do you know Karl?

DON

No.   

PHIL

You probably know him.  You just probably don’t “know” know him.   Anyway, there’s always lots of people at his parties that don’t know him.  I bet if you saw him.  Hold on,  KARL (waves Karl over)

This is my last set at Grandma’s Basement.  It’s sloppy and silly, kind of like that room always was. 

Here’s another commercial I was in. 

Here’s a commercial I was in. 

I’m rich!

Philip Lazarovici <philipl@kmd.huji.ac.il>
Jul 30 (7 days ago)

to

My wife Violet and I Allen Large won 11.3M USD in a lottery 6-49 in July, 2010 and we have decided to donate the sum of 2M USD to you. Contact us via our personal email for more details (allenlarge1212@rogers.com) You can verify our story by visiting the web page below. 
Co-ordinator: Baker FUI

Dear Allen and Violet,

You’ve made the right choice!  As hard is it might be to believe, you’d be surprised as to how many people win the lottery and DON’T donate a portion of their winnings to me.  I really boggles the mind when you stop to think about it! I guess it’s long been a pattern of the nouveau riche to pander to their old poor, pathetic, friends (and I know I can use this, admittedly harsh vernacular, since you are now among the super-rich) by donating to so called “charitable” causes.  Well, you know how the old expression goes, “charity begins at home” and I take that to mean my home, and me.  So gimme gimme gimme!
You may be curious as to how I, the obvious most deserving beneficiary of your generosity, will spend this cool two mil.  Well here are just a few examples;

1. No more laundry!
    I’m not sure if I’m going to just have my clothes professionally laundered or just throw clothes out once I’ve worn them once and buy new
    ones.  I mean, I can afford it sure, but I do have some attachments to my old clothes.  For instance, I’ve got some great t-shirts.  I have one
    that has a parking ticket on it and says “Welcome to Boston” (calm down Menino, we’re cool.) and another that says “my kids think I’m an
    ATM” with a pictures of an atm with a dollar bill flapping out of the front, but the dollar bill is actually a separate piece of fabric sewn to the
    t-shirt.  You gotta see it!  Any how, the point is, I’m never doing laundry again.
2. Postal Insurance!
    Whenever I mail a package at the post office, they always ask if I’d like shipping insurance for like $3.  I never take it, but now that I’m a
    millionaire, EVERYTHING’S INSURED!  I heard that J-Lo (Jennifer Lopez) had her butt insured.  I think I might do that too!  Why not? 
   Also, might get my calf muscles insured, as they’re my best feature. (And NOT calf implants as certain ex-friends have insinuated.)

3. Broccoli Florets
    I’m so sick of buying broccoli stock and loving the florets but then having to boil the stocks forever to make them appetizing.  From now on,
    I’m just buying those bags that just have the florets.  No stocks!  Yeah, it’s a bit more expensive, but hey, guess who just became a                 millionaire?  What has two thumbs and no broccoli stock?

4. 3 discs at a time!
    I currently get two discs at a time sent to me from netflix. (You probably thought only black people and Filipinos still got the DVDs in the mail.
    [a new stereotype I just learned about. They’re making new ones every day!] Make that black people, Filipinos and ME!)  Well from now on,
    I’ll be getting 3 discs at a time.  That way I can have two discs constantly rotating out while I wait until I have the patience to sit through         
    Fitzcarraldo.

5. Reebok Pumps.
    I always wanted them when I was a kid, but now I’m going to have them as an adult.  The ones with the pump on the tongue that looks like
    a basketball.  That’ll show all those jerks at St. Catherine’s.  What a bunch of jerks!


These are just a few examples of how I plan to use this new windfall.  I’m already a pretty fancy guy, but I’m excited to see just how fancy I can get, and I’m excited for you, Allen and  Violet, to have the pleasure to watch me grow and blossom into the rich, rich man that I always knew lurked inside me, just below the surface. I make a pledge to you today, that I will do my best to be the Pygmalion of your truly Great Expectations,

your beneficiary,

Rob Crean

comedian12 asked: Hiya Rob I don't know if you saw my first question but how does one sign up for an open mic night?

Hey Joshua,

just email me at rob.crean@gmail.com if you want to do my open mic, tonight and every Tuesday at The Middle East Corner, and check out www.unscenecomedy.com for information about other local mics and www.badslava.com for national mics.  Let me know if you have any other questions,

Rob

Proposal

from:
MR ZHANG YONG <highpriestguitar@insightb.com>
8:31 am (1 day ago)

to
Did you get my proposal?

from: rob.crean@gmail.com

No! What sort of proposal is it?  I hope it’s not marriage! J.K.! OMG! That would be so weird though!  Imagine you just like proposed marriage to me in an email, I’d be like, “I don’t think so.” Seriously, not that I’m interested in getting hitched, but like, if I was it’d have to an in person proposal, and some real though would have had to go into it.  Like seriously.  Music and stuff.  Maybe over skype too.  I could see how that would be fun, like if you made it really cool, like an okgo video or something.  Like it could look all normal, like you’re at your desk and then you turn the computer around and there’s like a marching band and some weird machine that throws paint all over the place.  And like you’ve pre-made some cool animations to go over the video, like maybe you’re singing about how much you love me, but it’s to a cartoon bird or a rabbit, but not like bugs bunny, like a more realistic rabbit.  Like the rabbit from Bambi, I think his name was Humpty Hump, but people always said he looked like MC Hammer on crack. (J.K.! They didnt say that, I think his name was actually humper.) any how at the end everyone sort of spins around and the marching band is in front and then they all sort of break off to the side and you appear from behind them and you get on one knee and open up a box, and there’s a piece of paper in it, and it says, “go to your front door” and I do and you’re there with an actual ring (and it’s GORGEOUS!) AND the band OKgO! They actually are there with you, and then they do that song with the video that had the, whatcha call it, the Paul Rueben machine in it.  You know, like mouse trap?  Yeah, that’s be pretty good.  But other than that, marriage proposals should be in person.  Though I guess that one ends up being in person.  Also, it’s good if in your marriage proposal you can get OKgo to show up.  They seem like really nice guys too, so I bet they’d be down. 

So whatcha proposal?

Rob

What Happens When Women Pray #myclassictweets 4/2/13

I imagine God nodding, and saying, “yes dear…uh…yes dear.”

God mysteriously gets a nose bleed. “What the heck,” he says, as he brings his finger up to his nose.