It’s my friend Tim Vargulish’s birthday today, so I thought I’d share the first scene from the Vargulish BioPic I’m working on.
SCENE: Sunset strip. Dawn.
AT RISE: TIM VARGULISH leans against the wall of a disgusting porno theater next to another junky, VAL.
TIM: Dammit, Val, I shoulda never come out here to L.A., I’m not tough of enough for these mean California streets!
VAL: You just need to get another hit of heroin and you’ll be good as new, we both do.
TIM: Why didn’t I listen to the advice of my mentor Rob Crean? He told me I was too soft for these tough Pacific Coast boulevards.
VAL: Let’s go do some murders to get cash for our drug habits.
TIM: (reluctantly) I don’t see as we have any choice in the matter.
CUT TO: ROB CREAN’s stately office, overlooking all of Boston, Cambridge, and some of New Hampshire.
AT RISE: ROB CREAN’s secretary HONEY GOODHEART has just finished taking dictation.
HONEY: By God Rob, you’ve out done yourself again, this may be the greatest memo ever composed!
ROB: Well I couldn’t have done it without you Honey. People can decided themselves whether or not I’m great at composing memos, but it’s your job to make sure then know how amazingly humble I am.
HONEY: You sure are, Rob, and so generous. I remember how much you helped out…oh, what was his name, that runtly little weirdo from that goofy little state.
ROB: You’ll have to be more specific.
HONEY: Oh, you know, he was into comic books, pizza.
ROB: Beats me, Honey, excuse me, I’d better get this phone.
ROB ANSWERS PHONE.
ROB: (cont.) Hello…my word! I’ll be right there.
ROB HANGS UP PHONE.
HONEY: What was that all about?
ROB: A gang war just broke out. The police have asked me to try to broker a deal. There’s no one else in the city who has my unique combination of skills, plus a strong connection to the streets. I’d better hurry before there’s more bloodshed.
HONEY: Tim something!
ROB: What’s that?
HONEY: The weird little monkey I was talking about, it was Tim something.
ROB: Hmmm… Can you remember the name of the goofy little state? That might narrow it down.
HONEY: Something Island I think.
ROB: Ha ha! Oh, Honey, you’re the living end! You’re thinking of Long Island, and it’s NOT a separate state, it’s part of New York.
HONEY: Isn’t that where Jerry Seinfeld is from?
ROB: You know, Honey, I think it is!
ROB LOOKS AT WATCH
ROB: (cont.) Darn! Honey, could you do me a favor and call ahead to the soup kitchen and tell them I may be late to volunteer. Also, call the library and let them know that I should still be on time to read to underprivileged youth, but that I might not be there early to sweep the parking lot and re-shelf books like I usually am. Also, cancel my dinner date with beautiful model Claudia Niceface. Tell her duty calls, hopefully she’ll understand.
HONEY: (wistfully) If she doesn’t she doesn’t deserve you.
ROB IS PUTTING ON HIS OVERCOAT
ROB: What’s that Honey?
HONEY: (momentarily flustered.) Uh, what about the award you’re supposed to be receiving from the mayor?
ROB: Honey! I don’t do all this for awards! You know that! Send my old friend Gary Petersen to pick up the award, he’s always so thrilled by that type of thing.
HONEY: You’re so generous to your friends Rob, even, as I was mentioning earlier that dumpy Weasel from that backwards little state.
ROB: Right, let me know if you ever remember what state you’re thinking of, but for now, I’m off to create some peace.