Rob Crean

I have a new friend on Facebook.com!

Mon, 06 May 2013 18:24:00 -0400

Conversation started today
6:12pm

Ashley Contrerras

I added you since I liked ur photo.

R u a glass half full or half empty kind of guy?
6:12pm

Rob Crean

Oh, thanks, what did you like about it?
6:12pm

Ashley Contrerras

er.. I gotta log off right now : (
6:12pm

Rob Crean

Oh, boy, depends on the glass, I guess.

OH no! Wait, I have so many questions!
6:12pm

Ashley Contrerras

Send me your cell num and I’ll text u!
6:12pm

Rob Crean

Where are you from?

What’s your favorite super hero?

Do you like bread?

Have you ever had a smoothie?

I like smoothies with bananas.
6:23pm

Rob Crean

One time when I was in first grade, I got let off by the bus for school, and my parents weren’t home, which was not unusual, but was unusual, was that there was a strange dog in my yard. The dog began to terrorize me, barking and baring it’s teeth. It was very scary. The dog kept blocking the way to my door, and so I had to seek refuge in a cherry tree in my yard. I scurried up the tree and the dog kept after me. Leaping at me, and snarling. The beast started to bite at a low branch on the tree until it broke off. For years I would see that broken branch each time I left the house and it would be reminder of my childhood cowardice. Finally after a half hour, my own dog, Lady, broke through a window and came to my rescue. So, I guess glass half full.

I met a lady on the internet.

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 13:36:25 -0400

I made a new friend today.

Ekaterina kittykittykittykaterina@yahoo.com to me

hello ))
Rob - this is your real name?
I have accidentally found your address and have decided to write to you
I shall be glad with you to get acquainted if you not against
Here I send you little bit mine of pictures).I tried to look a little mysterious for our first acquaintance.
Sorry I am little worried.Well…I hope they have liked you. It will
be remarkable if I shall receive the answer me?)
I am Ekaterina

Rob CreanLoading…Sep 4 (1 day ago) Rob Crean to Ekaterina
Hey Ekaterina,

No, Rob is my “punk rock” name. It’s like a handle or a pseudonym that people who are into punk rock use, generally something that sounds tougher. Rob is like theft, here in America, some of our most popular types of robbery are highway and illegal internet downloading of copyrighted music, movies and television shows, but my favorite type of robbery is going into Starbuck’s coffee stores and taking “Sugar in the Raw” packets without buying anything. It’s quite a thrill.
You may ask how I could tell you were not from America, since you didn’t mention where you were from in your email. That’s easy! Your email is a yahoo.com email, and no one in America uses yahoo anymore.
I appreciate your mysterious pictures, and though you seem like a nice Eastern European girl I am unfortunately in a long term relationship. I mean, it’s not unfortunate that I’m IN the relationship. Or that it’s long term. I guess really there’s nothing unfortunate about it, really I’m very fortunate. Anyhow, the point is, you’ll probably have some better luck with someone else,

here are a few suggestions,

ryandouglasshasemail@gmail.combthomas.crowley@gmail.comtheoryengine@gmail.comxoutrightx@hotmail.com
good luck,

Rob

Ekaterina pt. 2.

Ekaterina kittykittykittykaterina@yahoo.com to me show details 1:42 AM (10 hours ago)

Hello,I will try explain,at first I live in russia .
I am going to leave russia to work abroad
I am dance girl I dance Latin American dancing .I like my work and I like to
see that people get pleasure to look at me and my dances.
they tell I am pretty lady I see that not too many girls look well
enough and there are many reasons for it. you should know I worked a few years in modeling
business and I care of my body and my face a lot and I want to get
pretty life i think I deserve and I need to meet man who can care of me and be my beloved man!
there are many men here they want to be my men but
I want to leave russia and I prefer to meet foreign man
I know they are more kind and more smart and just different ones,don’t drink and don’t rude.
I don’t smoke and i am social drinker,sometimes I like to have some
red wine to relax and just to dream!
My visa for 6 months and I wish to be all this time with you
First time I will work as the waitress
Because difficultly to find good work at once
I am 26 years old. I am sending photos I want you to
see how I look like!.and if you have the
wish to meet me please send your photo and some info about you.

Rob Crean to Ekaterina

Hello Ekaterina, I live in U.S. America

I am a comedian, I do observational, self depreciating and pop culture comedy. I like my work and like to see people laugh or at least smile at my jokes.

I am also told I am very very handsome, however there is something you should know. I am extremely small, just over 32 inches tall. (About 82 cm) This causes me many troubles. It is hard for me to reach many things in home and outside. When mc or host brings me up to stage, many times I can not reach the microphone to take out of stand for casual stage presences. Also, in my city is an evil circus master who seeks to kidnap me for his freak show. One time he drugs me and washes me in kitchen sink.

I also worked as a model, here’s a link, http://www.improper.com/images/uploads/user_content/images/8_10_11/0810StylePro_404.jpg

I also think I deserve pretty life. No, scratch that, I deserve gorgeous life.
Many men, many many many many men, wish death ‘pon me, Lord I don’t cry no more, I don’t reach for the sky no more, have mercy on me.
I don’t know if all men non-Russian men are more smart and kind and less rude than Russian men, but I certainly am. I’m very sensitive. Yet still very very macho. When I watch sad films, my dick cries.
I also love to just pig out on red wine and watch a marathon of Ugly Betty. I guess that’s my version of dreaming!

as they say in your frozen homeland,

Hasta la vista, baby,

Rob

The Tim Vargulish Story (scene one)

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 14:06:10 -0400

It’s my friend Tim Vargulish’s birthday today, so I thought I’d share the first scene from the Vargulish BioPic I’m working on.

SCENE ONE

SCENE: Sunset strip. Dawn.

AT RISE: TIM VARGULISH leans against the wall of a disgusting porno theater next to another junky, VAL.

TIM: Dammit, Val, I shoulda never come out here to L.A., I’m not tough of enough for these mean California streets!

VAL: You just need to get another hit of heroin and you’ll be good as new, we both do.

TIM: Why didn’t I listen to the advice of my mentor Rob Crean? He told me I was too soft for these tough Pacific Coast boulevards.

VAL: Let’s go do some murders to get cash for our drug habits.

TIM: (reluctantly) I don’t see as we have any choice in the matter.

CUT TO: ROB CREAN’s stately office, overlooking all of Boston, Cambridge, and some of New Hampshire.

AT RISE: ROB CREAN’s secretary HONEY GOODHEART has just finished taking dictation.

HONEY: By God Rob, you’ve out done yourself again, this may be the greatest memo ever composed!

ROB: Well I couldn’t have done it without you Honey. People can decided themselves whether or not I’m great at composing memos, but it’s your job to make sure then know how amazingly humble I am.

HONEY: You sure are, Rob, and so generous. I remember how much you helped out…oh, what was his name, that runtly little weirdo from that goofy little state.

ROB: You’ll have to be more specific.

HONEY: Oh, you know, he was into comic books, pizza.

PHONE RINGS

ROB: Beats me, Honey, excuse me, I’d better get this phone.

ROB ANSWERS PHONE.

ROB: (cont.) Hello…my word! I’ll be right there.

ROB HANGS UP PHONE.

HONEY: What was that all about?

ROB: A gang war just broke out. The police have asked me to try to broker a deal. There’s no one else in the city who has my unique combination of skills, plus a strong connection to the streets. I’d better hurry before there’s more bloodshed.

HONEY: Tim something!

ROB: What’s that?

HONEY: The weird little monkey I was talking about, it was Tim something.

ROB: Hmmm… Can you remember the name of the goofy little state? That might narrow it down.

HONEY: Something Island I think.

ROB: Ha ha! Oh, Honey, you’re the living end! You’re thinking of Long Island, and it’s NOT a separate state, it’s part of New York.

HONEY: Isn’t that where Jerry Seinfeld is from?

ROB: You know, Honey, I think it is!

ROB LOOKS AT WATCH

ROB: (cont.) Darn! Honey, could you do me a favor and call ahead to the soup kitchen and tell them I may be late to volunteer. Also, call the library and let them know that I should still be on time to read to underprivileged youth, but that I might not be there early to sweep the parking lot and re-shelf books like I usually am. Also, cancel my dinner date with beautiful model Claudia Niceface. Tell her duty calls, hopefully she’ll understand.

HONEY: (wistfully) If she doesn’t she doesn’t deserve you.

ROB IS PUTTING ON HIS OVERCOAT

ROB: What’s that Honey?

HONEY: (momentarily flustered.) Uh, what about the award you’re supposed to be receiving from the mayor?

ROB: Honey! I don’t do all this for awards! You know that! Send my old friend Gary Petersen to pick up the award, he’s always so thrilled by that type of thing.

HONEY: You’re so generous to your friends Rob, even, as I was mentioning earlier that dumpy Weasel from that backwards little state.

ROB: Right, let me know if you ever remember what state you’re thinking of, but for now, I’m off to create some peace.

END SCENE

I MIGHT HAVE A NEW JOB!!!!

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 10:42:33 -0400

Guys, out of no where today, I got this email basically offering me a job! Can you believe it! I responded immediately, and so now I’m just waiting to hear back with more info, like what’s the passcode to get into the office and stuff. Below is the email and my response!

On Thu, Mar 28, 2013 at 9:17 AM, JudyGave <antony.danils294@live.com> wrote:
Hello, Within our company we opened a new department and we are searching for people to add to our team. We are looking for hard-working, serious people. You can work part-time, or full-time, and will benefit of comissions and monthly salary. If you want more info, please reply with your e-mail.

Hey Judy,

what’s the new department called? What is your company? What does your email address anthony.danils294@live.com mean? Is Anthony Danils a character from Game of Thrones? That’s great that you’re looking for serious people, I’m definitely that. I actually might be OVER-QUALIFIED when it comes to seriousness. People close to me have not only described me as serious, but also as severe, melancholic, and severely melancholic. Bet you’re not going to find someone with those qualaties on linkedin.com! I want more information. I have some questions, so please respond and let me know the answers,

1. When do I start?

2. Will I still be able to keep my current jobs?

3. Parking? What’s the parking sitch like at your spot?

4. Key Card. Will I need a keycard to get into the building? If so that’s fine, but I should warn you, I will not wear a lanyard. Kind of a deal breaker for me.

5. Rember Counting Crows? Man, they had some jams!

6. If you could have any super power what would it be? I have to be honest, Judy Gave is basically a perfect superhero secret identity name.

7. I haven’t seen the ocean in such a long long time, do you think I should?

8. Have you seen the new Die Hard? It’s getting pretty bad reviews. I like those movies, so I’ll probably see it when it comes out on DVD, but it’s probably not going to be that good. What I mean to ask is, how similar is your building to Nakatomi Plaza, and do you have a good contingency plan for a terrorist attack?

9. What are you thinking about?

10. When do I start?

see you in the office,

Rob Crean

Facebook missed connection.

Wed, 13 Mar 2013 03:24:47 -0400

This beautiful lady messaged me on Facebook, out of no where! I couldn’t believe it! I immediately messaged her back, but when I checked to see if she responded her profile had been deleted. I hope she’s okay, here’s our conversation

Jessica:

I friended you because I liked your pic.

What kind of music do you like.

Send me your phone number so I can text you.

Rob: What? No one’s ever liked my pic! My own sainted mother told me I looked like a sad gray old muppet, God rest her soul. I like all sorts of music. Right now I have that Macy Gray song about the world crumbling in my head. Do you know that one? I know she’s probably talking metaphorically, but I’m imagining, like, the world totally actually crumpling. It’s totally trippy! Can you imagine that? Actually, now that I think of it, maybe I’m just thinking of the video for that song. You know, how like some times in a song the singer is being figurative an the music video director shows what they’re talking about literally? Like that song “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum. It’s a song about feeling sort of directionless in your life, but the video is totally about actual runaway kids! I heard that video helped fine like a thousand kids! That’s how come Dave Pirner got to go to the white house, and I think he even high fived Bill Clinton! He was the president at the time, so it wasn’t weird.

I wrote an article about comedy in Boston.

Tue, 26 Feb 2013 11:53:58 -0500

I wrote an article about comedy in Boston.

4 Years of The Gas!

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 01:13:19 -0400

4 Years of The Gas!:

It’s hard to believe that it’s been four years since Carl Lavin suggested that Matt Wilding and I start doing a comedy show called The Gas at Great Scott in Allston. We were still working with our sketch group Anderson Comedy at the time, which is still the name I use for the shows that I produce, though the sketch group sort of fell away. The other people in the sketch group were nervous about producing a weekly show, and they may have had a good point. Back then Matt and I had only just begun to do stand up and neither of us was very good.

If I recall correctly, my style back then was like if someone were to do a mean impression of what I do know and really exaggerate all of my shortcomings. I spoke extremely slowly and had huge unnecessary pauses in my delivery. I said “um” and “like” a lot. I told really long stories with no points. It was sloppy, really sloppy.

Matt always had integrity. He had political jokes that sometimes went above the audiences head, and I respected him for sticking with them. He had weird conceptual bits, like a bit that involved mimed juggling, that sometimes worked, often didn’t but was always 4 minutes of no talking on a stand up show.

When we started we didn’t have chairs. We would be up on stage telling jokes, and whatever audience might show up was 5 yards away sitting at the bars in the back of the room. Soon though, we started using the chairs from Great Scott’s patio, which was great during the winter, (thought they often broke, loudly, during shows, particularly when we’d have a headliner. I think it happened during three consecutive Neil Hamburger shows.) but during the summer if people were still out on the patio, we’d just have to start the show with no seats.

In the past four years we’ve hosted some great national headliner shows. We’ve had Marc Maron, Tig Notaro, Hannibal Buress, The Whitest Kids ‘U Know, Christian Finnegan, Todd Barry, Jamie Kilstein, and Rob Cantrell. We’ve also had some great local headlining shows with people like Gary Petersen, Shawn Carter, Josh Gondelman, Steve Macone, Ryan Shea, and Cam MacNeil.

We’ve had the Globe comedy writer take a literal drunk Irishman into the back of the bar and buy him more booze to stop him from interrupting the show. We’ve had Gary Petersen prank call a guy who was rude to me at my open mic live on stage. We’ve had Guitler Raphael show up an hour and a half late to host The Shortest Month of the Year show, much to the chagrin of substitute host Langston Kerman. I was way too mean to Brett McCabe at his “McCabe Interruption” show.

It’s been a great 4 years, and I hope we’ll have many more before us.

Here’s a short excerpt from my memoir that I read at The...

Thu, 30 Aug 2012 17:57:42 -0400

Here’s a short excerpt from my memoir that I read at The Union Square Round Table show last night. Cover by Katie McCarthy

“I barely remember the old country. I was so wee when we left. The Emerald Isle to me is just a collage of brightly colored frescoes and grape vines lazily winding up the sides of our neighborhood pueblos. I was just under a year old when my folks loaded us up on a steamship, to make that long six month journey across the Pacific Ocean. I remember the salty sea air hanging about us as we sang our celtic songs and the wind blowing the sound of a promise. A promise called …America.

We arrived, as many Irish immigrants before us, in Boston, Massachusetts. Lured here because Massachusetts sounds like the Gaelic phrase “Mo sheacht mbeannacht ort!” meaning “my seven blessings to you.” We settled in the Irish area of Boston known as Newton Upper Falls. There were only two types of people in Newton Upper Falls, either you were Irish or you were suspicious. No one was more Irish or more suspicious than my father Kilkenny Crean.

Pop wouldn’t eat French bread or play Chinese checkers. He refused to touch calzones because he said they were pizzas with something to hide. He refused to go to Chinese laundromats, but also believed no one could dry clean like the Chinese. Refusing to pay for inferior work, his dry clean only suits had to be washed in the machine. This caused them to shrink and so by the time I was ten I’d seen as many pairs of suit pants succumb to my father’s arse as he kneeled down to pay his respects at the wake of a seemingly endless string of aunts, uncles and cousins I couldn’t remember.

When my brother Donegal, the oldest of our brood of 14, started dating Lucrezia Parmiggiano the prettiest girl in Our Lady of Perpetual Disappointment School, we knew it was only a matter of time before pops found out. She was pretty, but even more that that she was Italian, as Italian as they come, and believe me, they can come pretty Italian. Pops didn’t allow for mixing. He hated Indian people the most for having the gall to mix our beloved potatoes with rice in the same dish. “One starch is enough!” he used to holler at the top of his lungs. Not that he was against starch, as time would tell he loved starch a hell of a lot more than not dying of diabetes.

Our ma was born Tipperary Wicklow, her father owned what was once one of the most profitable shalalie shops in County Louth. However by the time Tipperary was born, handmade shalalies had gone out of fashion for more reliable machine made synthetic shalalies. She was married to Kilkenny Crean at the tender age of 13 and he would be one of the only two men she ever loved. The other, as is the case with many Catholic women, was Pope John Paul II. Some Irish women also loved Jesus, but not our Ma. She found him too preachy and didn’t care for his wild hair and unshaven face. My mother had eight male children and never really took a shine to any of us either. She had a strong distrust of men and that was in no way more obvious than in her reception of the man we’ve come to know as Pope Bennedict the 16th, of course when we met him, he was just Joey Ratz. After Pops passed, money became tight and she had to rent out a room to make ends meet. Joey Ratz was a drifter a gambler and Civil War buff. He’s also the man who taught me how to box, and introduced me to the woman who would become my wife.”

As a child of Massachusetts, little warms my heart as much as a...

Thu, 12 Jul 2012 18:58:04 -0400

As a child of Massachusetts, little warms my heart as much as a traditional New England style stone wall.

I’m pretty manly.

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 12:59:48 -0400

I’m pretty manly.

“I love New England! (But Connecticut can suck a...

Wed, 14 Mar 2012 17:34:08 -0400

“I love New England! (But Connecticut can suck a dick!)”

The Good, The Bad & The Snuggly.

Sun, 05 Feb 2012 19:16:40 -0500

The Good, The Bad & The Snuggly.

He who knows doesn’t speak. He graffitis.

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:51:56 -0500

He who knows doesn’t speak. He graffitis.

What the hey!

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 11:52:38 -0500

What the hey!

I’ll bet a lot of graphic designers use cell phones.

Sat, 19 Nov 2011 16:35:52 -0500

I’ll bet a lot of graphic designers use cell phones.

Wait, what?

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 01:08:27 -0400

Wait, what?

Here's a bunch of press I've gotten in the past.

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 09:14:10 -0400

http://www.improper.com/features/rob-crean/
http://bostoncomedy.blogspot.com/2009/01/review-rob-crean-show-at-obriens-113.html
http://www.examiner.com/comedy-scene-in-boston/anderson-comedy-s-the-rob-crean-show-combines-pub-hilarity
http://www.examiner.com/comedy-scene-in-boston/anderson-comedy-s-the-rob-crean-show-combines-pub-hilarity
http://digboston.com/think/2011/06/on-topic-rob-crean-2/
http://www.examiner.com/comedy-scene-in-boston/rob-crean-cd-recording-this-weekend-at-great-scott

Stopped off at a dumpster to pee and came across this creepy...

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 01:40:39 -0400

Stopped off at a dumpster to pee and came across this creepy discarded Scream mask. I’ll be checking the newspapers.

longlivehw: Shouts to Rob Crean, who is a very funny Boston...

Wed, 19 Oct 2011 19:21:01 -0400

longlivehw:

Shouts to Rob Crean, who is a very funny Boston comic.

Thanks!

Wait, my love of what?

Thu, 08 Sep 2011 12:42:37 -0400

Wait, my love of what?